


Haven't You People Ever Heard of Closing the Goddamn Door?

by coolemyasi



Category: Fire Emblem Heroes
Genre: Fire Emblem Heroes - Freeform, crackfic, sometimes you just gotta find other meaning in game quotes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:53:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22901983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coolemyasi/pseuds/coolemyasi
Summary: “Askrans cannot close gates – only open them.” - King Gustav of Askr; Book III of Fire Emblem Heroes. What if this means that they are just physically incapable of closing doors? How exactly would they remedy this situation? Well, Kiran is certainly going to attempt to help them out. This story takes place just after book I, and also maybe gives the answer to where the heroes you "send home" really go. There are also some references to one of my other Fire Emblem crackfics thrown in here, so if you enjoy this, also check out Frederick and his Horse, it's also a time
Comments: 1
Kudos: 18





	Haven't You People Ever Heard of Closing the Goddamn Door?

As stated by the king of Askr himself, Askrans cannot close gates, only open them. Unbeknownst to most outsiders, this extends well into the territory of doors, meaning Askran citizens, including the royal family, are physically incapable of closing doors. Many of the buildings in Askr have simply opted to remove the doors from the premises, but the castle could not do so, for no reason other than most of the doors were intricately carved and weighed more than anyone was willing to carry. This life of open doors made things for the royal family a nightmare. Before the birth of the prince and princess, things were completely fine because the castle staff gave the king and queen their space, letting them do as they pleased once they disappeared into their bedroom. This, however, changed once Prince Alfonse was at the age where he started wandering into his parents’ room at night, sometimes due to the sight of something that scared him, like a raccoon that had wandered into the castle past the guards and had been wandering in the hallway outside his door, sometimes because he had a nightmare and craved nothing more than his mother’s caring embrace. Well, when the prince was about three years old, a nightmare led him to his parents’ room at the most inopportune time: during a moment of extreme intimacy where they had been in the process of conceiving his younger sister. The poor child had wandered straight into the room as his parents were in the act, and his parents had no time to react due to the door being wide open. After this accidental invasion of privacy/ mental scarring of young Alfonse, the relationship between the king and queen was never quite the same, not wanting to risking being disturbed in such a manner again, they had decided to not maintain a physical relationship, and while their marriage was still full of love between the two of them, the king got increasingly grumpier over the years from the lack of sex in his life.

Years went by after this, and Prince Alfonse grew up into a fine young man, becoming very well versed in the way of the sword. His sister, Sharena, also grew into a fine young woman, who was quite deft with a lance. Once the two were old enough to go off to fight forces that were against their kingdom, a lot happened in a very short amount of time. A close friend to they royal siblings, a local cash hungry merchant by the name of Anna, had accidentally summoned an individual from the divine weapon Breidablik. This individual went by the name of Kiran, a figure in a hooded cloak that always obscured their, face and they invoked a very strong reaction from the magical gun that had summoned them into this reality. Anna explained then to the royal siblings that Kiran was a chosen one meant to use Breidablik to summon reinforcements from various realities to help defend Askr, which led to Kiran acquiring the nickname of “The Summoner”, and they did a wonderful job pulling heroes into this reality to help defend against the Emblian Empire, which was led by Princess Veronica. After a long ongoing battle, the team eventually suppressed all of Veronica’s advances, freed the heroes from other worlds that had been under her control, including Prince Xander from the kingdom of Nohr, and they all returned to the kingdom of Askr for a bit of relaxation before anything else happened that took them back out of their kingdom.

The party that approached the Askran castle included the two royal siblings, Kiran, the recently freed Prince Xander, and Virion, an archer from a group from a land called Ylisse, who had been one of the first heroes to be summoned by Kiran once they were in control of Breidablik. Having been distracted by conversation on the way in, Xander, Virion, and Kiran hadn’t noticed that on their way in that every house or business that they’d passed on the way through town either didn’t have a door on the outside, or the door was left propped open. Princess Sharena was incredibly excited to show their new friends around the castle.

“And this is our wonderful home!” Sharena beamed as she led her friends into the main hall. The heroes walked into the castle, not thinking too much about the fact that nobody had to call to have the main doors opened, as they were already wide open, Kiran’s assumption had been that it was to welcome the heroes to their kingdom. This assumption was completely thrown out the open back door as Sharena and Alfonse continued the tour of the castle, and _every single room they passed had the door left wide open_. Kiran, Xander, and Virion noticed this, and exchanged confused looks.

“Am I imagining things, or are all the doors in this place open?” Kiran whispered to their two non-Askran friends.

“Oh, thank the gods one of you noticed as well, this is positively bizarre!” Virion exclaimed quietly.

“I’m actually more surprised they just let me wander in this far without first taking me to a stable, so I could board my horse…” Xander blinked from the top of his fine steed.

“Dude, we passed a stable on our way here. _Why did you bring your horse along?_ ” Kiran asked loudly. Alfonse and Sharena both let out a relieved sigh.

“I thought maybe it was some sort of strange Nohrian custom to bring a horse into a castle in such a manner.” Alfonse blushed slightly. “But Xander, I’m going to have to request that you take your horse back out the stable. We’ll wait here for you.”

“Yeah, you really need to take him outside, our maids were shooting daggers at us when they had to clean up the piles of horse crap. One of the maids literally almost took your horse out with a dagger.” Sharena frowned.

“My apologies, I shall remedy the situation immediately by removing my horse from your fine castle. If you’ll excuse me.” Xander bowed his head slightly and rode his horse back out of the castle.

The royal siblings looked at their friends and smiled. “Isn’t our castle wonderful?”

“I mean, it does invoke a lot of wonder…” Virion muttered under his breath.

“It’s been absolutely great so far!” Kiran smiled politely, ignoring the fact that they had stopped next to a restroom, where a guard was loudly whistling as he used the facilities just out of view. There was an awkward silence for a moment before Virion chimed in in an attempt to break the tension.

“Well, I guess you should be glad that it was Xander that we brought along, and not Frederick, a strange man who was employed by the royal family in Ylisse. Frederick was pretty much in love with his horse, and probably wouldn’t have agreed to bring him outside.” He laughed nervously, since his companions were giving him incredibly judging looks. “The man was bizarre; don’t you look at me like that!”

Kiran raised an eyebrow, but then turned when they saw Xander approaching. “Oh look! Xander’s back, and now we can continue this tour and forget about Virion’s weird horse loving friend!”

Sharena nodded to her brother, and with a wave of his hand, Alfonse led them further through the castle. “Alright, let’s continue. Next, we’ll show you to the guest quarters, so you can prepare to rest up for the evening.”

The group continued to a new part of the castle, and once more, every room had the door hanging wide open. Xander spoke up as they passed a window that overlooked the stable. “It was the strangest thing when I went to board my horse.” He stopped and looked out the window, causing the rest of the group to stop as well and look at the foreign prince. “I led him into a stall, asked the stable boy to get some feed for him, and shut the door to the stall so he wouldn’t wander off. The stable boy looked at me in shock, like he’d never seen anybody do that before.”

Kiran and Virion glanced at the royal siblings, who’s jaws had dropped. “You mean to tell me that d-doors can move in two directions?” Sharena looked very confused.

“You mean you were unaware of this generally common knowledge?” Virion blinked as he looked at them.  
“I knew doors opened, sometimes inward, and sometimes outward, but I didn’t know there was a way to ‘reverse-open’ things!” Alfonse was flabbergasted.

“That’s exactly what the stable boy said!” Xander exclaimed. As Xander said that, everybody had shifted their gaze to Virion, who had gone over to the nearest door to demonstrate.

“It’s quite simple, you see. First, you grab the doorknob thusly,” Virion wrapped his hand around the doorknob “And then you pull it like so to close it.” He pulled the door towards himself, effectively closing it. The shock of a door closing was too much for Sharena to handle, and she fainted. Alfonse stood there with his mouth agape, trying to grasp what he’d just seen.

“That’s simply not possible! That door led to our library, and you just made it disappear with your strange magic of un-opening that door! All those books, lost. What if someone had been in there?” Alfonse rushed forward, being careful not to trip over his sister, and reopened the door, letting out a sigh of relief as he noticed the room had gone unchanged.

Kiran, Virion, and Xander exchanged a look, and Virion crouched down onto the floor to tend to the unconscious Sharena.

“Uh, Alfonse, why don’t you try closing the door yourself? I promise, your library won’t go anywhere.” Kiran smiled gently, carefully stepping over Virion and Sharena, and placing a hand on the Askrian prince’s shoulder.

“Well, if you’re absolutely sure…” Alfonse nervously reached over for the doorknob, firmly grasped it, and tugged. The door didn’t budge.

“Uh, maybe try pulling a tad harder?” Kiran tilted their head slightly. Alfonse nodded and did just that, but still nothing. The prince let out a huff and grasped the doorknob with both hands and tugged with all his might. The door budged about six inches but didn’t come close to being closed.

“I physically cannot ‘close’ this door…” Alfonse let out a defeated sigh. Kiran blinked, put a hand on the doorknob, pulled the door towards themself gently, and the door closed right up.

“What the heck is going on here?” Kiran was genuinely confused. It was in that moment that a thought occurred to Alfonse. A simple thing that his father had been saying all his life. “Askrans cannot close gates – only open them.” He said staring at the now closed door. “Who knew that meant Askrans are literally incapable of physically closing doors…”

Virion looked up from the floor and tilted his head in confusion. “What?”

“Well, he was talking about the gates to other worlds, we can only open those, and they usually close themselves.” Alfonse shrugged. “Like how we were able to go to those festivals and such and see those alternate versions of ourselves. We can open the gates to those worlds, but they usually close themselves, so we don’t have to even know how to close them.”

Xander pinched the bridge of his nose. “You mean to tell me that this entire nation has some sort of bizarre spell preventing its citizens, _AND ONLY_ its citizens from closing doors?”

“Apparently so, my friend. It never even occurred to me that _anyone_ could even un-open a door.” Alfonse blinked. Sharena let out a slight groan from Virion’s lap.

“I just had the strangest dream that our friends just UN-OPENED a door!”

“Oh, that was no dream, my dear. It appears that this is just something that your people are physically incapable of doing.” Virion said as he gently helped Sharena to her feet.

Xander looked at Alfonse. “If you can’t close doors, how on _earth_ do you have any form of privacy?”

“Privacy? Uh, it’s called staying out of your loved ones’ spaces, just because the light is on, or somebody’s in their room doesn’t mean you go in after them.” Alfonse raised an eyebrow. “You really need to be completely closed off to get that kind of respect?”

With this explanation, many things that had occurred at the camp finally made sense. Why none of the Askran soldiers ever shut the flaps to their tents, why Anna and Sharena always stood watch for each other at the changing stalls instead of simply shutting the door, and how nobody every had to open a door when an Askran soldier had been the last one into a building before a retreat. Kiran thought for a moment before looking at their friends.

“Um, what do you guys do in the winter? From what I understand it gets rather chilly in this area when it hits, and there’s no way you could be keeping this castle warm when doors to all unused rooms are hanging wide open all the time.” They asked, almost afraid of the answer they were going to get.

“Oh, that’s easy!” Sharena exclaimed. “We just burn a fire in every fireplace and keep lit torches around to keep everyone nice and toasty. We had a bunch of people learn fire magic, but we still end up going through a lot of wood in the winter. It’s been a little hard on our local tree population, but at least our kingdom stays nice and warm!” She smiled.

Kiran frowned slightly. “Why don’t I just summon a bunch of heroes for you to keep around to close doors?” They asked, readying Breidablik.

Prince Alfonse shrugged. “I mean, I guess that would work. Some extra units to keep handy and physically close doors probably would make it easier on our family in the coming winter months. Maybe a bunch of heroes from outside of Askr to help the kingdom’s residents with the approaching cold would also be helpful.”

Kiran smiled. “I can summon as many heroes as you want, provided you’ve got the orbs.” They popped the clip out of their divine weapon and showed the royal siblings its contents. “These are my last five and I was waiting for just the right moment to try to summon a really powerful hero to aid us.” They shrugged. “But if you’ve got enough orbs, I can get you plenty of heroes.

Sharena grinned. “Oh, I don’t think that’ll be a problem. I can get you plenty of orbs.” She quickly exited the room, heading off in the direction of the royal treasury.

Alfonse grinned. “Father is going to be so pleased that we’ve finally devised a method to deal with the heating issue. He’s been getting all sorts of complaints from the loggers that the wooded areas surrounding our kingdom are almost nonexistent at this point, and that the lumber we keep burning could be put to a much better use constructing homes for all the citizens. This is going to solve so many problems and make things better!”

Sharena came back moment later with a massive bag overflowing with orbs. “I’ve got at least 300 orbs in here, which should be plenty to staff the castle and get the doors closed, as well as start on some aid for closing doors in the nearby cities.”

Kiran’s eyes lit up. “Okay, but I’ve got dibs on anyone that comes out in a gold cloud, they’re usually pretty strong, and therefor more useful in out army’s ranks.” Alfonse and Sharena nodded in agreement, accepting their summoner’s terms. They led Kiran into a large ballroom, so they would have plenty of space to summon new units into the castle in all directions. “Alright, prepare the welcome committee, BECAUSE HERE COMES THE FIRST FIVE!” Kiran shouted excitedly as they spun around, firing off Breidablik and causing five clouds of smoke to appear, three bronze and two silver. From those clouds, heroes from all different times and places started to emerge. The first to step out, from a silver cloud, was man on a horse in a large suit of armor. “I am Frederick, a royal knight and guiding hand in the Shepherds. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

Virion bit his lip and held back laughter as after Frederick had dismounted he immediately started talking very sweetly to his horse, calming him down as he was confused by his new surroundings. Alfonse sighed “We should have done this outside…” He muttered under his breath, realizing this wasn’t going to be the last horse inside the castle this day, especially considering the Pegasus Knight that emerged from one of the bronze clouds.

After the first rite of summoning was completed, as Kiran was loading more orbs into their divine weapon, five heroes stood before them. They had Frederick, Subaki, Donnel, Serra, and Wrys. Alfonse quickly arranged to have castle staff on standby to lead all of the units that appeared with horses or the like outside, starting with Frederick and Subaki. Kiran then proceeded to do the same thing a dozen or more times, until the bag of orbs was completely empty. From the over 70 heroes they summoned into the ballroom, Kiran only had five come out of golden clouds, and they were immediately sent to the opposite side of the room from the heroes that were going to become part of the door closing brigades. (The five units to emerge from gold clouds were Hector, Marth, Lynn, Giaus in summer attire, and Lucina in spring festival attire.) At least 30 of the newly summoned units had to be escorted outside to put their animal companions in the stables. Once everyone had been properly situated, they were gathered into a large group, some of them finding alternate versions of themselves or friends to chatter with and were all soon awaiting orders from the people that had gathered them here. Alfonse stood on a platform in front of all of them.

“It has come to my attention that the subjects of my kingdom are physically incapable of closing doors. This has been the situation going back for generations, probably due to a curse if I know my family…” Alfonse let out a slight sigh. “But I had our friend Kiran here bring all of you strong and kind heroes to our kingdom for one reason: Askr needs you and your ability to close doors. The woodlands surrounding our kingdom are diminishing, and with your help we can save a lot of these trees from being chopped down and burned in our fireplaces this coming winter.” As Alfonse continued his explanation, the newly summoned heroes all exchanged confused glances. They had so many questions, such as: “how are there three of the same old bald man in the front row?”, or “Who are all these people?”, but most importantly “Did this dude just seriously say bring us all here to _close doors?_ ”.

“Now this may seem silly, I understand, but do not fear. We will gladly compensate you for your services with whatever your heart desires, be it fortune, food, or even warm beds to sleep in, all you need to do is ask.” Alfonse beamed. “Just be sure to leave your requests with the scribe as we escort you to your new posts.”

The heroes all shrugged, accepting that this was their life now. As they filed out of the ballroom, they all left their requests with the scribe Alfonse had posted outside the door, who was furiously scribbling down all the requests from the heroes. (The request that caught Alfonse the most off guard, mostly due to Virion bursting out laughing behind him when it was made, was from the four Fredericks that had been summoned. They had all requested the finest blankets and highest quality feed for their horses, and that at least one of the four of them remain in the stables with the horses at a time as to keep them company. This was an easy enough request to fill, it was just a bit odd.)

After all of the heroes had exited and been assigned to their new positions, shutting the large castle doors behind them, Alfonse turned to his friends and smiled. “Thank you all so much, not just for bringing it to our attention how ridiculous we had been for not realizing doors closed, but also for helping provide a solution. The kingdom of Askr thanks you for your services, and as compensation has brought you all wonderful gifts.” He turned to Kiran and handed them a small bag. “For you Kiran, we got you 20 orbs, so that you might find yourself a new variety of heroes to help in future battles. We just ask that you send any unwanted heroes back to Askr to join the door shutting brigades.” Kiran grinned and nodded furiously, gladly accepting this arrangement. Alfonse then turned to Virion. “For you Virion, we have found the finest bow we have in our arsenal. We hope that you find great use for it.” He then handed the archer an extremely fine bow, which Virion accepted with pride.

“Xander, it was a bit more difficult to figure out what to get for you, so what we did was find any contract binding you to Emblian Empire, and now I’m tearing them up and burning the pieces, giving you the freedom to go wherever you please, maybe even return to Nohr and to your family.” Alfonse smiled. “Be free my good friend.”

Xander shrugged. “I mean, I didn’t really need that, my freedom was earned once Veronica was defeated.” He walked over to Alfonse and put a hand firmly on the young prince’s shoulder. “I’ll tell you what though, it seems like there’s a good chance that Kiran is going to eventually summon my family here, so there’s no need for me to return to Nohr. Since I’m so hard to shop for, why don’t you just set me up with the finest noodles your kingdom has to offer, and we’ll call it even.”

Sharena looked at the scene before her and burst out laughing. Alfonse was completely dumbfounded by the Nohrian prince’s statement, and the look on her brother’s face as this much taller man was nonchalantly leaning against him had her rolling. “Xander, we will get you all the noodles you could ever want.” Sharena smiled, stifling some residual laughter.

At that point, Askr’s open door problem had finally been solved. With Kiran ready to send any unwanted heroes they summon back to help close doors, and the door closing brigade already wandering the area ready to close any doors they saw open, the coming winter was due to be the warmest one Askr had seen in a while. As Sharena, Alfonse, Kiran, Virion and Xander wandered to the town’s restaurant for the finest bowl of noodles Xander could ever ask for, it was certain that the kingdom of Askr could finally have a semi-private life behind closed doors.

**Author's Note:**

> The second I saw Gustav's quote about closing gates, I immediately went to "This obviously means they can't close doors at all", and had a full out conversation about it with my friends, I remember doubling over with laughter at just the concept of Alfonse and Sharena getting completely freaked out by seeing someone close a door, so I decided to use my ability as a writer to make something amusing. Honestly this has been sitting on my computer since like a week after Book III dropped, I just never got around to uploading it anywhere because I think at the time I was in between sites where I posted fics, and it didn't feel like this story was meant for Deviantart or FanFiction, but since I've already done nothing but upload my fire emblem fics here, I figured what's one more? Seriously though, all the references to Frederick being obsessed with his horse are lifted directly from Frederick and his Horse, which is another work in my library. I try my best to make crackfics that are well written and hilarious, not just some hobbled together typing errors and overused fandom tropes, I've always loved doing this, and I really hope y'all enjoyed reading this ^w^


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